Why do I write this stuff?

This was a question that kept swirling in my head as I wrote Lion of Zarall and the rest of the series. As you may or may not know, my books have pretty dark themes. Gritty settings and morally ambiguous situations. Torture and explicit actions with the purpose of causing pain.

In Lion of Zarall, there’s a scene where a character is flogged. And another scene of being branded with hot iron. And beatings and lots of other forms of abuse.

So naturally, I kept wondering why I write this stuff? Why do I do these things to my characters? And then it led to the inevitable question: do I enjoy this and what is wrong with me?

I’m a registered psychologist and I decided it was time to do a deep dive into myself. Understand why I write about torture and pain. Because I’m like a really nice person in real life. I’m a mum, a loving wife, a good friend, a law abiding citizen. I don’t have a secret dungeon or anything. I don’t have a collection of jars of preserved body parts or torture equipment. Moreover, I help people for a living. I’m super empathetic and compassionate. I go to work and support people in their journey of healing.

And then I come home and torture my fictional characters with hot irons.

Odd, right?

So I did an analysis and lots of self questioning. I asked difficult questions, like how would I feel if I actually watched someone being branded with a hot iron? I gag and look away when I see blood on TV.

And then I realised it’s not about the pain and torture. I do not enjoy those.

It’s about what happens next.

It’s about survival and endurance and resilience.

What I find most cathartic about my writing is the part how my characters respond to those experiences. How they deal with it. How they survive it. How they don’t break.

It’s about strength.

I became a psychologist to understand the mystery of the human mind and behaviour. And I think I write dark fiction to understand strength and resilience. My interest in dark fiction is my way of exploring how to survive pain.

So that’s my reason why I like dark fiction. If this article made you reflect on things, please comment and share. I’d like to hear your thoughts.